I have made a startling discovery. I am not sure I am pleased about it.
Except that I have this sort of exposed but healed feeling about it, like how it feels when you are sick and once the poison removes itself from you, you feel better.
Are you ready for it??? Ok...I don't shop for clothes.
I know you're thinking how did we go from poison to clothes...roll with me here.
I shop for home goods. Napkins, spatulas, dishes, (coffee mugs are a fav). I shop for stationary, I look at design pieces and appliances and say to my shopping friend (my mom) 'That would be great if you had a house and three kids...'
(Ok blog girl, I don't get it.)
I am a single woman who spends her time working and going to church. Why do I always find myself in the homegoods aisle? Why am I buying for a life I don't have...yet?
It would make more sense to buy hair products and makeup. Accessories and flowey tops. Shoes (this one hurts, because I love the look of gorgeous shoe). But sadly, I buy everything but. Greeting cards I buy (for other people), books that I can't ever seem to start reading because when I have the time to read, I always want to read the Bible. I buy the necessity's and feel really productive when I pick out a Burts Bees tinted Lip gloss.
How did a healthy 32 year old end up acting so disinterested in herself !?
Now don't get me wrong. I get that I can be any kind of girl I want to be. I am just floored, I don't engage in the finding of her. I understand that women love to design and basically make a home. But God in HIS infinate wisdom and care has uncovered a spot of poison in my soul. I am afraid to live a different part of my life. The part that is unsafe. You see, I am safe with coffee mugs. I am safe with spatulas. They don't change who I am based on what they see.
I am not safe when the jeans don't fit (and I know it) I am not safe when I know I will have to take the time in investing in myself regardless of the outcome. That is when I get scared. What if they don't like me? What if the world rejects me? I think it would just be easier to buy a card.
But it wouldn't.
I sort of love that about GOD. You can't go back when He goes forward. I so badly want to camp and HE just says, 'lets go!' One thing I know for sure, He will take the greatest care in me as we journey and I will look back one day and think, 'wow we traveled far, look how far Jesus.'
I am going to walk with HIM. Even in the scary places, the faith places. Maybe our valleys are those places where your flesh and every attack comes out and says, 'you're not any different, you're not going anywhere,' I've walked long enough with Jesus to KNOW...we get there!
The things in life that are the most phenomenal are the priceless...I know we all know. But, I could save and travel the world. I could buy ANYTHING if I saved the money, but I can't make someone fall in love. How excruiatingly beautiful it is to realize its out of your grasp, because its worth more than money can be measured.
I suppose the things I want in life are connected to the choices I make now. But maybe not. Nothing is promised in life. I am not promised friends or a family or children. All that I really have as assurance is the LORD. HE IS MY PORTION. That must be what that means.
~My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
If you want to make Jesus your Lord & Savior,, all you have to do is pray: "Lord Jesus, I believe you are the Son of God, You were resurrected from the grave by our Heavenly Father. Thank you for dying on the cross to save me. I repent of my sins and ask Your forgiveness. Please give me the gift of eternal life. I ask you to be my Lord and Savior. I want to serve you always." Amen.