I have made a startling discovery. I am not sure I am pleased about it.
Except that I have this sort of exposed but healed feeling about it, like how it feels when you are sick and once the poison removes itself from you, you feel better.
Are you ready for it??? Ok...I don't shop for clothes.
I know you're thinking how did we go from poison to clothes...roll with me here.
I shop for home goods. Napkins, spatulas, dishes, (coffee mugs are a fav). I shop for stationary, I look at design pieces and appliances and say to my shopping friend (my mom) 'That would be great if you had a house and three kids...'
(Ok blog girl, I don't get it.)
I am a single woman who spends her time working and going to church. Why do I always find myself in the homegoods aisle? Why am I buying for a life I don't have...yet?
It would make more sense to buy hair products and makeup. Accessories and flowey tops. Shoes (this one hurts, because I love the look of gorgeous shoe). But sadly, I buy everything but. Greeting cards I buy (for other people), books that I can't ever seem to start reading because when I have the time to read, I always want to read the Bible. I buy the necessity's and feel really productive when I pick out a Burts Bees tinted Lip gloss.
How did a healthy 32 year old end up acting so disinterested in herself !?
Now don't get me wrong. I get that I can be any kind of girl I want to be. I am just floored, I don't engage in the finding of her. I understand that women love to design and basically make a home. But God in HIS infinate wisdom and care has uncovered a spot of poison in my soul. I am afraid to live a different part of my life. The part that is unsafe. You see, I am safe with coffee mugs. I am safe with spatulas. They don't change who I am based on what they see.
I am not safe when the jeans don't fit (and I know it) I am not safe when I know I will have to take the time in investing in myself regardless of the outcome. That is when I get scared. What if they don't like me? What if the world rejects me? I think it would just be easier to buy a card.
But it wouldn't.
I sort of love that about GOD. You can't go back when He goes forward. I so badly want to camp and HE just says, 'lets go!' One thing I know for sure, He will take the greatest care in me as we journey and I will look back one day and think, 'wow we traveled far, look how far Jesus.'
I am going to walk with HIM. Even in the scary places, the faith places. Maybe our valleys are those places where your flesh and every attack comes out and says, 'you're not any different, you're not going anywhere,' I've walked long enough with Jesus to KNOW...we get there!
The things in life that are the most phenomenal are the priceless...I know we all know. But, I could save and travel the world. I could buy ANYTHING if I saved the money, but I can't make someone fall in love. How excruiatingly beautiful it is to realize its out of your grasp, because its worth more than money can be measured.
I suppose the things I want in life are connected to the choices I make now. But maybe not. Nothing is promised in life. I am not promised friends or a family or children. All that I really have as assurance is the LORD. HE IS MY PORTION. That must be what that means.
~My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
God's Girl
- Molly
- I am a living picture of the scandalous Grace of GOD. My prayer is to live as a vessel that shines the light of the Living GOD. This blog is a place to put my thoughts, a journal of my thirtys if you will. I am 32, single, no kids. And this is my life...for now.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
TEXTAREA_ID
Thursday, December 16, 2010
I celebrate CHRIST!
Some waited, some didn't know to wait. Some didn't know to care to wait. But waiting was happening all the while. And the time came for the ONE to set HIS feet on the soil of HIS earth. The very picture of GOD HIMSELF in human form, this child came. Interesting HE came as a child. Jesus tells us, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matt 18:3) He grew, He taught, He flipped tables (literally and figurativly) and ultimately gave HIS LIFE. Why do I celebrate Christmas? Because I celebrate CHRIST!
MAD!
I am going to rant...its a warning!
But this is my blog and I can...
(share things I can't on Facebook)
And don't think its because I am afraid to be honest, sometimes honesty can hurt and I don't want to hurt, the very thought of the hurt is what makes me so mad.
Are you ready...
I am mad that Christmas Church Dinners cost big $$ to get into, the very ones that can't afford are probably the ones who need to go the most.
I am mad that Christmas eve services are at the latest, 5pm...hello? Most get off work at 5pm!
I am mad overall at the lack of feeling that seems to be paired with those that opt out of these events. They may not have the money or time to get there, yet, why do these events go on with out thought to those that want to be there.
Last time I checked, the whole church was the whole church.
I would rather have a dessert open house than a catered dinner, if I knew every one of my sisters and brothers was there, and I would rather stay till midnight if I knew every one that wanted to be there for Christmas eve service could be. Obviously my gift is not administration.
But oh well...
But this is my blog and I can...
(share things I can't on Facebook)
And don't think its because I am afraid to be honest, sometimes honesty can hurt and I don't want to hurt, the very thought of the hurt is what makes me so mad.
Are you ready...
I am mad that Christmas Church Dinners cost big $$ to get into, the very ones that can't afford are probably the ones who need to go the most.
I am mad that Christmas eve services are at the latest, 5pm...hello? Most get off work at 5pm!
I am mad overall at the lack of feeling that seems to be paired with those that opt out of these events. They may not have the money or time to get there, yet, why do these events go on with out thought to those that want to be there.
Last time I checked, the whole church was the whole church.
I would rather have a dessert open house than a catered dinner, if I knew every one of my sisters and brothers was there, and I would rather stay till midnight if I knew every one that wanted to be there for Christmas eve service could be. Obviously my gift is not administration.
But oh well...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Stay Home
I did not grow up with a father, although I have an exceptional mother and never really felt the void. But a dad has that sort of strength, leadership that keeps a daughter in line (mama tried). He tells you, "No you are not going out tonight" or "You will not be hanging out with them."
I got that feeling today, it was unmistakable. I was about to purchase a book that I don't feel was wrong for me to read, but in light of recent events in my life (post for another time) my emotions and sensories were a bit raw and I felt my Father saying, "Don't go wandering, I want you to stay home." Stay in the Court, in the Palace, I don't want you going out and wandering. I was a little perplexed by it, but slowly I followed His words, put the book down and walked out of the store.
There will be times I walk out in life with the Kings armor on and still my Father will be with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me, I will forever be my Fathers daughter. But for this season, I was not to leave the presence of the King. I am thrilled about that?
I got that feeling today, it was unmistakable. I was about to purchase a book that I don't feel was wrong for me to read, but in light of recent events in my life (post for another time) my emotions and sensories were a bit raw and I felt my Father saying, "Don't go wandering, I want you to stay home." Stay in the Court, in the Palace, I don't want you going out and wandering. I was a little perplexed by it, but slowly I followed His words, put the book down and walked out of the store.
There will be times I walk out in life with the Kings armor on and still my Father will be with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me, I will forever be my Fathers daughter. But for this season, I was not to leave the presence of the King. I am thrilled about that?
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Maybe this is what Dry is?
I have heard christians use the phrase "dry season" before, but I don't think I knew what it meant. Now I may have an idea...
Yesterday I went thru my Bible Study homework like it was just that, homework. It was as if I was doing my English homework. And when I closed the workbook, my heart sank because I felt like I had brushed my hand over the Bible cover, but had not let my study take root. And I felt parched.
What is the point of Bible Study, if we are not letting the study change us? If we don't allow the Breath of GOD to read over us, who wouldn't be dry.
This is a new experience for me, and I hated it. I felt so ashamed that I had such a casual time in study, I am going to go over my homework again.
A couple of things that came to mind as to why this happened:
I was tired.
I was preoccupied
I didn't prepare and pray and allow GOD to focus me.
I don't want the scriptures I take in to be like billboards I see on the freeway. Fleeting and barely there in my memory. I want them to be rooted in my heart and spirit!
Yesterday I went thru my Bible Study homework like it was just that, homework. It was as if I was doing my English homework. And when I closed the workbook, my heart sank because I felt like I had brushed my hand over the Bible cover, but had not let my study take root. And I felt parched.
What is the point of Bible Study, if we are not letting the study change us? If we don't allow the Breath of GOD to read over us, who wouldn't be dry.
This is a new experience for me, and I hated it. I felt so ashamed that I had such a casual time in study, I am going to go over my homework again.
A couple of things that came to mind as to why this happened:
I was tired.
I was preoccupied
I didn't prepare and pray and allow GOD to focus me.
I don't want the scriptures I take in to be like billboards I see on the freeway. Fleeting and barely there in my memory. I want them to be rooted in my heart and spirit!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
25 Random things about me!
Ok - here is my list:
1. I absolutely hate to go to the gas station. I will put off filling up my car for as long as I can.
2. I get goose bumps at the thought or sound of someone brushing their teeth.
3. I love to be interviewed! Any questionnaire is fun to me, hence I am very pleased right now.
4. I ALWAYS think of what I really wanted to say, about a half hour after the moment is gone.
5. I do not have a middle name.
6. I dislike slang terms like "preggers" and loud rappers that yell at award shows, "make some noise!" Please don't.
7. Secretly I wish I had been born into a ranch family that has a southern homestead. Somewhere deep inside I think I want to be a southern belle!
8. I have a huge fear of snakes (this could make # 7 a problem)
9. I really do want to follow the rules, I don't like making mistakes and I want to figure out the puzzles. I feel odd when I don't do well at something. but I never take it in when someone compliments me for doing something well. (INSECURE MUCH!)
10. I like to twirl in skirts, I always have.
11. I have always loved Bible stories. The Ten Commandments has been one of my favorite movies since I was a child. What child enjoys The Ten Commandments - I did and do still to this day. (Although, I still can't stay up to watch the whole thing)
12. I capitalize odd words that I think are important. For example: Bible Study, Joy, Forgiveness, Church, Worship, and I write GOD in all capitals - I even pray it that way sometimes as in Capital GOD! I think that if I capitalize them, people will see that they are important. I am also in Love with using the "!" I end almost every sentance with it!!! (Oh and I write side notes in parenthesis - a lot!)
13. I have full length conversations/speeches with and to GOD anywhere I can get away with it. This includes when I am putting on my makeup, walking in the Grocery store, in the car!
14. I am the question Queen when it comes to study. I actually get thrilled at the thought of Doctrine and Theology. I could talk for hours about the Bible and History of the Bible. I find it exciting.
15. My brother is 20 years older than me.
16. I have a dream of going to Jerusalem (and a HUGE fear at the same time)
17. I have to see the Rockette's perform every Thanksgiving day!
18. I have a hard time swallowing vitamins (I have to chew a multi vitamin)
19. I have to engage my mind while doing physical little tasks. Meaning, I have to talk to GOD when I am walking, or day-dream while jogging. Write a to do list while watching T.V. or have a conversation while cooking dinner.
20. I have an unhealthy love of Strong cheeses (Parmesean in my favorite)
21. I love the movie "The Passion of the Christ" I don't always watch all the parts, but I watched it for the first time 2 years ago when GOD spoke thru it to me and so it is very special.
22. I love green veggies (Broccoli, Asparagus and Brussel Sprouts are my favorites)
23. I have to pray before I eat anything (including snacks)
NO - I get to pray before I eat!
24. I have a bizarre desire to move to Texas! I don't know why?
25. I am genuinly suprised when I don't win the lottery
26. I am bestfriends with my mom. She is the best! GOD gave me the greatest mom and I love her. HE knew we would be a great fit!
27. (Oops, I overshared, I like Questionaires - did I not Explain this Earlier!?)
1. I absolutely hate to go to the gas station. I will put off filling up my car for as long as I can.
2. I get goose bumps at the thought or sound of someone brushing their teeth.
3. I love to be interviewed! Any questionnaire is fun to me, hence I am very pleased right now.
4. I ALWAYS think of what I really wanted to say, about a half hour after the moment is gone.
5. I do not have a middle name.
6. I dislike slang terms like "preggers" and loud rappers that yell at award shows, "make some noise!" Please don't.
7. Secretly I wish I had been born into a ranch family that has a southern homestead. Somewhere deep inside I think I want to be a southern belle!
8. I have a huge fear of snakes (this could make # 7 a problem)
9. I really do want to follow the rules, I don't like making mistakes and I want to figure out the puzzles. I feel odd when I don't do well at something. but I never take it in when someone compliments me for doing something well. (INSECURE MUCH!)
10. I like to twirl in skirts, I always have.
11. I have always loved Bible stories. The Ten Commandments has been one of my favorite movies since I was a child. What child enjoys The Ten Commandments - I did and do still to this day. (Although, I still can't stay up to watch the whole thing)
12. I capitalize odd words that I think are important. For example: Bible Study, Joy, Forgiveness, Church, Worship, and I write GOD in all capitals - I even pray it that way sometimes as in Capital GOD! I think that if I capitalize them, people will see that they are important. I am also in Love with using the "!" I end almost every sentance with it!!! (Oh and I write side notes in parenthesis - a lot!)
13. I have full length conversations/speeches with and to GOD anywhere I can get away with it. This includes when I am putting on my makeup, walking in the Grocery store, in the car!
14. I am the question Queen when it comes to study. I actually get thrilled at the thought of Doctrine and Theology. I could talk for hours about the Bible and History of the Bible. I find it exciting.
15. My brother is 20 years older than me.
16. I have a dream of going to Jerusalem (and a HUGE fear at the same time)
17. I have to see the Rockette's perform every Thanksgiving day!
18. I have a hard time swallowing vitamins (I have to chew a multi vitamin)
19. I have to engage my mind while doing physical little tasks. Meaning, I have to talk to GOD when I am walking, or day-dream while jogging. Write a to do list while watching T.V. or have a conversation while cooking dinner.
20. I have an unhealthy love of Strong cheeses (Parmesean in my favorite)
21. I love the movie "The Passion of the Christ" I don't always watch all the parts, but I watched it for the first time 2 years ago when GOD spoke thru it to me and so it is very special.
22. I love green veggies (Broccoli, Asparagus and Brussel Sprouts are my favorites)
23. I have to pray before I eat anything (including snacks)
NO - I get to pray before I eat!
24. I have a bizarre desire to move to Texas! I don't know why?
25. I am genuinly suprised when I don't win the lottery
26. I am bestfriends with my mom. She is the best! GOD gave me the greatest mom and I love her. HE knew we would be a great fit!
27. (Oops, I overshared, I like Questionaires - did I not Explain this Earlier!?)
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